Oh man.
I am behind.
BE-HIND!
To be really honest I haven't felt like blogging at all.
There are lots of ideas for fun posts that I have roaming around in my head but I just haven't felt like it was worth taking time to write about. I am sure other blogs have it covered so lately writing has just been a "whatever" subject for me.
I had computer issues for a while too which didn't help the procrastinating. All of my fun pictures of Christmas crafts and fun are on my other broken and sad computer.
Enough with excuses. Blah.
I will tell you one of my main little excuses is that I found out the week of Christmas that
I am having a baby!
So needless to say, my thoughts have been elsewhere.
Blessed am I among women! Whoo hoo!!
Sorry for the blurriness here..I think I was super excited and shaky.
A sweet little plastic replica of my baby @ 12 weeks is cute too.
WHOO HOO!
After 19 months of trying, we finally did it. Well, God did it we just were ready for the blessing, I suppose. With no explanation of why we were unable to conceive when we wanted to, it was quite frustrating at times. Some people wait for years and years and others just blink and are instantly pregnant. I was a little in the middle of those. And to be honest, whether you wait for a week, a year or 15 years it's hard. But when it does come, it's perfect timing in the midst of the season of life when it seems least feasible. Atleast that's the way it seems to us and I've the heard the same from many other couples. But that's the whole point of it! God provides the baby. God provides the means. God does it all. Not for a second was I in control of the situation and after about 12 months of the trying I think I was finally relieved by that. No matter how hard we tried, we really weren't in control. That resolve came with a lot of kicking and screaming though. A lot.
I am quickly finding out the waiting process has just changed names. Instead of waiting for a baby, we wait for other things. Constantly aware that we are never in control. And as frustrating as it is some days for us, it's been a relief because we have seen the goodness and provision of God in seemingly impossible circumstances and are sure He is good all of the time and not just some of the time. Every good and perfect gift is from above..
Perfect. That's a good thing.
I was not perfect in waiting.
In fact, there were difficult days where I wanted to hibernate and not hear another story about some other person's kid's poop habits or sweet stories of birth. I didn't want to hear about what I had to look forward to on my bad days. I didn't feel like hearing that God would do things in his timing. Many days I felt like I was the outsider that sat silent as all my friends shared multiple stories of their babies. As weird as it sounds I think struggling so hard for a while was a tremendous blessing. Hindsight is a good thing.
On my good days, I was researching baby room ideas, imagining what my baby would look like, calculating when my baby would be due if I was pregnant that month. On my good days I would concoct stories of how I would tell people when I found out (all of which went out the window once I actually was pregnant!) I would join in on the baby convo and talk about my "future kids".
{Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands. Deuteronomy 7:9}
On other difficult days when I felt so sad and hopeless, God would send a word of encouragement or someone with real comfort and hugs my way. There were few people with whom I felt OK falling apart with on my sad days. But for those few people, I am grateful. They were good things.
{I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name. Isaiah 45:3}
Our wait, which now in hindsight seems so small compared to some, was worth it. It took me a good year to resolve that waiting was good but when I finally had the epiphany my outlook changed completely. There were still some very sad days but my perspective was different. I am honored that I was chosen to learn this lesson of waiting on God for such a precious gift. The sovereignty of God blows me away. I am a person who got to struggle sometimes very openly and painfully and it was often hard and raw and gross looking. But for others to witness a miracle done in me, who isn't perfect (by any means), who doubted a lot, who didn't understand, who was sad, mad and confused but came out joyful on the other side is a good thing. An honor really!
There were fun trips, times with friends, amazing conversations, my beloved Bible study , my church family and other blessings along the way that really made me realize that life is good, God is good even if I don't get what I want when I want it.
There is a line of a song that I fell in love with the weekend before I found out I was pregnant.
We went to a little Christmas concert in Nashville, Tennessee and it was amazing, perspective- giving.
I fell in love with the artist,
Jill Phillips, who had a hard, hard past of struggle and sadness but was singing praises about the difficult days being good things. When I heard her song, I was blown away and thought "Yes! This struggle has been a good thing. Not a bad thing. Look at what God is choosing to do in
ME!!" 3 days later I found out I was pregnant.
That was a good thing.
All the Good Things
Every once in a while the world stops spinning enough
That I can take a step back and get the picture
I see the twists and the turns, I see the patterns they form
I see how perfect they are and I remember
All the good things
All the good things
All the good things you’ve done for me
Though the feeling is real I know it’s fleeting to feel
One day I’ll forget you are here and start to wonder
In that season of doubt, You’ll still be showering me
With blessings I can’t see, that can’t be numbered
All the good things
All the good things
All the good things You’ve done for me
Forgive me for my shortsighted look at this world
Where you keep proving that you know what you’re doing
If I could see like you do with your perspective view
The fires I’m walking through would look much different
I’d see those difficult days for who they made me become
And I would count them among
All the good things
All the good things
All the good things You’ve done for me
