What do you do when suddenly a new desire pops up in your heart. A desire that seems like it is out of nowhere and consequently does NOT fit into your previously planned out life!?
Recently I have had this interest and have been intruiged by the idea of Grad School ie.e :pursuing my masters degree. Since I find myself getting a bit blase' with the everyday ins and outs of work I have been thinking hard about what I want in life. I fear I have underestimated myself up until this point. I usually get scared of faliure and in turn fail to pursue anything I desire. I'd rather desire from a distance than to fail in the pursuit. Pride. I certainly am not 'too good' for my current job or career path but do long for something more. Being bored is not for me. Being challenged by my passions- that's what I like. But I fear I have hindered any challenge because of my fears that life isn't going to end up like I wanted it...it sounds silly when I write it down but has been a reality for as long as I can remember.
So here I am with this new desire...it doesn't replace any 'old' desires but instead has to fit into all of my previous ones. Where does this fit into John being in school, us not being able to afford this, me wanting to eventually have kids and stay at home with them, wanting to move (but where to?) . It's easy to say "things will all work out, they always do" and not to fully believe it. I agree, things have a way of working themselves out but I like foreknowledge. ..exactly HOW? That's the beauty of God being in control I suppose. He knows me better than I know myself. He places desires in my heart and I guess all I can do is pursue them until otherwise directed without knowing the specifics. Finding how all of my life desires fit in with one another is another challenge..work, school, kids, marriage, church, family..I will take them as they come..and try to not pre -plan anything. Things never work out the way I plan. They almost always end up better than I imagined..far better.
And Grad School!? If I am going to pursue this, I need to focus on the GRE first.. I hear it is a beast and no one gets their desired scores the first time. I have test anxiety for test I have to pay to take! And what program!? There are a lot of different ways I could go. I guess I could start studying and schedule myself for the test and then see what happens..if life happens in the meantime, so be it..
Now that I think about it, life is happening now. So be it.
A man's heart plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps. Proverbs 16:9